Hayden Grace *November 03, 2007* My little Jellybean

Momma misses you so much. I wish I had been able to hold you in my arms like I hold you in my heart. I will never forget you, baby. I know you were there when Uncle Keith arrived in heaven. Do you get to watch your little sister? Sometimes I wonder if you come down to play with her. I love you so much. I hope you watch over your daddy even though I'm pretty sure he doesn't remember you. It's hard to believe that you joined your great Memaw four years ago, angel.

One day I will see you again and I know you will come running to me. You will finally be in my arms. Until then my darling Jellybean, watch over momma and your siblings. I hope you love your stepdaddy. He's a great father to your baby sister.

Momma loves and miss you always, my little Hayden Grace Addy

That time of year again...Plus some updates

November is right around the corner and, as much as I love autumn and the holiday season, the beginning of November has be rough the past couple of years. October 15th was National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. It was rather rough, but I was lucky enough to have had to work. On November 03rd it will have been 4 years since I miscarriaged my precious baby girl Hayden Grace. I think of how much has changed since I lost her. God knew it was for the best that He protect my daughter from the ordeal of my divorce. It's quite mind boggling that, had I not miscarried her, I would have a 3 1/2 year old running around, messing with her little sister. I will let Miss Bug know she has an Angel as a BIG sister, just like I'll make sure all my babies know of her.

If you didn't catch it before, I have a job. It's seasonal right now, but my manager said there would be openings after the holidays. Hopefully I get to stay. If not, then it's just more work experience and another job I can add to my resume. Anywho, I work at C's in B.R.P.O. I really like it. I get to help people and see all ages of babies. Honestly, it was just meant to be. Papi, Miss Bug, and I went to the outlet center to use a $25 off coupon and Miss Bug soaked through her clothes. Of course, the one time I don't have a spare outfit in her diaper bag, this happens. So we run over to C's to grab an outfit for her and Papi asks if they're hiring. They were and he grabbed an aplication for me. I took it back the next day and got an interview scheduled for the next day. I went in, got the job, and started that following week. I love all the women I work with, they're all such characters. Keep your fingers crossed that I get to keep this job after the new year.

Now on the Little Miss Bug. My oh my, how she's grown. She's actually caught up to the size clothes sized for her age. I can hardly believe that in a couple short weeks she's going to be 19mo old. Time is flying far to fast for my liking. Where did my itty bitty baby go? She's now sitting at the dining room table instead of in her high chair and she's throwing trash away in the trash can when we ask her. We don't even have to throw away her dirty diapers because as soon as she's dressed with a fresh diaper, she grabs the dirty one and off to the trash can she goes. She's so smart and so independent. She's started saying new words like; elephant, balloon, ball, no, and yeah. She says 'please' and 'thank you' in ASL and I'm working on 'you're welcome'. (I really need to get into the ASL classes at school) Papi and I took Miss Bug to her first professional basball game and man did she have a blast.

Papi and I are wonderful. We're hoping that, if I get to keep this job after the new year, that we can get married and be off state assistance. I know once we do get married, we won't be eligable for anything. We're not worried about mine and Miss Bug's insurance, but more so the food stamps I recieve. I really can't wait for the day I will no longer be on assistance. I hate having to be on it to feed my daughter, but I will because I know my daughter needs it.

Anywho, I'll try to update y'all sooner. I'm just swamped with work, school, Miss Bug, and the house. TTFN

Why must things be so difficult?

By things, I mean finding a job. I have applied to so many jobs I've lost track. As of right now, the only 'real' experience I have is the 3 months I worked as a Sales Associate at Personal Touch Body Jewelry. Of course, I have more than 10 years experience in child care. I have been babysitting since I was 12. I figure a job as a Nanny would be the most fitting job for me until I finish school. With the fact that I am certified in First Aid and CPR/AED, it makes it a little easier.

Anywho, you should see my baby girl. She's not so much a baby anymore though. She is walking and climbing and getting into everything. I can hardly believe that she is already 15 months old. It seems like just yesterday that I was first made a mother. My life has been so full since I was given the very best gift ever. She is so smart. She is very interested in music and books and art. I pulled out my keyboard and Miss Bug just loves playing with it. I figure if I can keep her interested then she will be a very well rounded young lady. She picks up things so fast. I started signing to her out of habit with Mimi and Miss Bug picked it up. She uses it whenever she needs. I think she really loves having a way to tell her daddy and I want she wants. She shakes her head 'no' and nods 'yes'. She knows eat, more, milk and drink. Right now I'm trying to teach her yes and no in ASL. I have come to the conclusion that I need to know more sign so I can teach her. Not only with the knowledge further me in my career but it will make it easier for Miss Bug to learn more languages. Papi and I have decided to learn Spanish ourselves so we can teach Miss Bug. With were we live, Spanish and ASL should be a must. Also, I would love for Miss Bug to enter school already knowing a language other than her native tongue. If we're still living on the east side of the state, then she will most likely go to IAF which only teaches Spanish.

So, I have a monkey on my hands

At 13 1/2 months old, Miss Bug has started not only walking everywhere, but she's started climbing on everything. She's getting so big and she's so smart. It's amazing how fast she's grown since her birthday.

Speaking of her birthday, it was a blast. All the kids had so much fun. I know of two that passed out of the couch when they got home. Everyone, not only the kids, had fun actually. And a HUGE plus for me was not having to set up or clean up. Really we just had to invite people and bring the cake. Miss Bug had tons of fun playing with all her cousins and new friends. For only being her first birthday, she got spoiled.

Anywho, I feel like I'm doing wonderfully in school. True, I am having to retake one class, but I understadn the information a lot better now. I doing far better this quarter than I did last quarter and I know I will pass with flying colors.

Well, that's really all that's been going on. I'll try to write again soon. Ta-ta for now.

Elizabeth

Almost a year old

Planning Miss Bug birthday party is making me a little sad. Where did my itty bitty baby girl go? It seems like yesterday I was just learning that I would be a mom and then a moment flashes and she's being put on my stomach,covered in goo. Now I look behind me and I have an almost toddler. My little girl has 6 teeth and she stands all by herself. She crawls all over place and plays peekaboo. She's loud and has a smile and laugh that just brightens up a room. I can't wait for her birthday but then again I can. I don't want her to turn 1, but I know she's going to anyways.

Anyways, I honestly think I'm ready emotionally for another baby. Papi and I have been talking about it for awhile, but we know that we need to get things ready financially. I know he wants another baby too. Honestly, there are a lot of things we have to do first before we can start trying for a baby. So for now, I will keep my Mirena in and know that maybe in a year or so we'll be ready for a new baby.

10 months

10 months ago today I was in labor. I was getting ready to have the most beautiful little girl come into my life. Many things have changed in those 10months. My little girl has come into her own personality.

* She has such a big sense of humor. She can be watching something on tv and find something funny that her daddy and I find funny.
* She is such a smart little girl as well. She's been crawling for a month already and I can hardly remember her rolling around to get places.
* She has grown so much since last month. She tries her hardest to pull herself into a standing position, but she hasn't quite grasped the concept of moving her knees forward yet.
* Still not a lot of hair, but people are starting to notice that you're a little girl.
* She's starting to eat real food, not just baby food. However, she loves her fruit and cereal mix in the morning. She's not 100% sure about cheerios, but she'll eat them if they're in front of her.
* She plays in her room all by herself now. She'll crawl down the hallway and go straight to her toys. When she's done she doesn't fuss because she's alone. No, she'll crawl right back down the hallway because sher know's momma is in the living room.
* She takes one nap a day which can be anywhere between 1pm and 3pm. Today it's 2pm-ish.
* She doesn't like going to bed at night without me. She cries herself to sleep when I'm at school, but when I don't have class then she goes right to bed without a problem. I definitely know she misses me when I'm gone.


Anywho, those are just a couple of things she does. She's a little ham when she sees the camera or my phone. She loves getting her photo taken (as long as she knows the person taking the picture).

On to me, I'm great. I feel absolutely amazing. I forget how much easier life is when you don't weigh almost 200lbs. I don't know how much weight I've lost, but I know I've lost more. I'll be weighing myself today and I'll update my weight loss ticker. School is fantabulous. I feel like I've been doing very well. For my A&P class I got a 78% on my first test in lecture and I've gotten two 100% on my quizes in lab. I'm not off to a bad start in A&P. I am super proud of myself.

It's been a minute

I've been busy the past couple days. Papi and I had some drama on Thursday that I'm not going to get into. We went to the gym Friday, Saturday, and yesterday. I weighed myself on Friday and was shockwed to learn that I lost 10 POUNDS. Yesterday we worked out for two hours and then went swimming with Miss Bug. We got the DAC at 1:20pm and didn't leave until almost 5pm. I have to say that's one day well spent, even if we both are sore. Tenderness just means we did some work and I'm going to get to my goal weight.

Anywho, Miss Bug LOVES showing off her to teeth. She smiles and even runs the pad of her thumb across them.


Well, I have homework to finish so I'll write y'all later.

I already miss it

I miss being at home during the evenings. I miss putting Miss Bug to bed, or at least kissing her good night. I miss spending time with Papi. Yesterday it snowed pretty much all day. So people where driving stupidly. I usually leave to go to school at about 5:30 so I can park and get to class. The parking lot at Baker is a madhouse. I've decided that instead of circling it hoping for a spot to open that I'll just take the extra time and park farther away and walk (probably 1/4 of a mile). It's healthier for me as well.

Last night I had Human Anatomy and Physiology lecture AND lab. So two classes in one night. One right after the other. People were driving so slow while Papi was trying to get home. He walked in the door, I gave him a kiss, grabbed my stuff and left. It's took me probably ten minutes to drive to the campus(maybe more), ten minutes to pull into the parking lot, then another five to seven to find a parking spot. I then had to walk to class, find where I was suppose to be. Needless to say, I was late. Class started at six and I walked in twenty after.

Anyways, last night I also had to do some grocery shopping. So I got out of class at 9:40-ish, had to walk back to my car, scrap ice off it, then drive to the store. I didn't pull into the drive until eleven o'clock. Papi was already tired, I was irritated. So last night just wasn't a good night until we laid in bed. All he had to do was hold me close and everything just drifted away.

I miss spending more than a tired hour with him.

Being back at school also puts a cut into our gym time. We have one vehicle so he uses it for work and I use it for school. We're really gonna have to buckle down on the weekends and go. It's the only time, for now, that we can go. Friday through Sunday. Hopefully soon we'll have another vehicle. It also puts a cut into how we've been eatting. Right now I don't bother with cooking dinner because we can't eat it together, but I am going to make something tonight seeing as it's our 6mo anniversary. Even though we won't be spending it together. It's sad for me to think about being in Algebra when I should be spending my anniversary with Papi.

I may not like it and may miss everything about my life before school, but it's something I have to do. I can't get out of it. I have no job and no place will hire me so school is the only option I have to bring in more money for my family.

Nothing really to say today...

...So I'll leave you with a picture.

We were about to head to a baby shower. She was just so happy on Saturday and a huge cuddle bug.

YAY!!!

I've been doing so well with my new year's goals. I've really enjoyed bloggin almost everyday. I feel great, though exhausted, after exercising. I already feel like I've lost weight but I made a promise to myself to only weigh myself every two weeks. I figure that way I won't go crazy if I haven't lost anything everyday. I should lose something every two weeks, even if it's only a couple pounds. I put my jeans on yesterday and I couldn't believe that they were kind loose when usually NONE of my pants are loose.

Now today I made me some mac'n'cheese for lunch. It's been awhile since I had it and I actually forgot how much I love it.

I really hope I get the Meter Reading job. I looked online today to see what the bank account looked like and we don't have enough to cover rent. Things are tight right now. I know we'll make it, but we really could use that second income. I mean we have almost $500 going toward our redezvous, almost $700 going towards rent plus we still have to pay consumers this month. It would just make things easier if I had a job, but all the places I've applied for haven't called. I know it'll be a lot on my plate because I start school next week, but I don't know what else to do.

I know Papi will tell me not to worry, that we'll figure it out, and I know we will. Doesn't change the fact that I feel like I don't contribute financially to the house. Yes, I do contribute by cleaning, cooking and taking care of Miss Bug.

Anywho, I've got Zumba tonight and man am I excited. It's tons of fun. Also, Papi and I have decided thast tonight we're going to go swimming without Miss Bug. We always feel so rushed when we're done. How we've been doing it is I get out about a half hour before Papi and Bug so I can relax in the hot tub, shower, and get dressed. Then I get Bug and get her ready to go home while Papi gets in the hot tub, showers and gets dressed. It's a very rushed procedure.

I had so much fun yesterday (WARNING: some TMI)

I ended up feeling a lot better yesterday so I did go and do the Zumba class. I had a lot of fun, but man I was tired before the class ended. I actually left 15 minutes early. I actually want to get Zumba Fitness. That way I'll be able to do it at home.

Papi and I decided to take a break today. We've gone to the gym everyday this week. Last night I was in terrible pain. I woke up at 3am with excessive cramps. They we're kind of like menstrual cramps but 100x worst. I also had a little bit of bleeding that was bright red. The cramps subsided enough for me to get some sleep, but I didn't get back to sleep until 5am. I'm still a little crampy and nothing is helping it. If they continues into tomorrow then I'm gonna see if I can get into the Doctor's and see what's up.

On to better stuff

So Papi and I joined the Davison Athelic Club(DAC) on Sunday and have gone every day so far. Monday Papi and I worked on our legs and yesterday I did Mat Class (yoga/pilates) while Papi worked out on his own. I have to say I enjoyed Mat Class very much. DAC has a childcare center so we can work out together. Then we take Miss Bug swimming. She absolutely loves it.

Depending on how I feel, I'm going to another class, Zumba. Of course I woke up this morning feeling kinda sick. I've started feeling a little better. I hope I'm feeling a lot better because I really want to go to the class.

I start school on Monday and I won't be able to work out during the week until I get my van, which won't be until the end of the month. I feel really good about actually buckling down and sticking to my New Year's resolutions. I know I can do it.

Another note: I applied for a Meter Reader Job for Consumer's Energy. Papi said it took him eight months to get the job so I'm hoping I hear something in a couple months. We could really use the second income. I could get off state assistance as well. I know that it's the only way I can provide for my daughter, but it's not something I want. I want to be able to provide for my daughter by working hard and not having to report every new change in my life to someone.

Until I know that I have the job, I will be going to school.

So much on my mind

I've been questioning myself on whether I want Little Miss Bug to know her little brother. Yes, you saw right. Miss Bug has a little brother as of 4:51 this morning. Things are very complicated with it too. SD really doesn't want to be a part of Miss Bug's life and honestly I could care less now. I gave him more the chance thatn I should have and he didn't take it. It's not Miss Bug's or JJ's fault that their SD(daddy for JJ[maybe]) is a DB, but I don't want Miss Bug to resent Papi and I for keeping her brother from her when she finds out. I know there's a chance she won't find out, but if she does I don't want her to resent us. Resent SD yes, us no, because We can tell her that Mommy tried and SD didn't seem to care. Once JJ's mommy found out and Miss Bug, SD denied her and said he wanted a DNA test.

Miss Bug also has a big sister, but I doubt they will ever meet because she lives in Missouri.

I hnoestly don't know what I should do. Part of me wants her to know JJ, the other part says 'just let it be, you did everything you could'. I'm just so confused right now. I don't want to hurt Miss Bug but I also don't want to hurt Papi.

So tell me something. Do you think they're related?

JJ

Miss Bug

2011 Goals

Okay so I've decided to make a list of my goals this year. A friend of mine had done this and I feel like it's a good thing to put out there.

Here goes:

1. Get down to my goal weight of 140-145lbs.
Join a gym and watch what I eat. No more fast food, no more sugary drinks and snacks. Drink more water. I'm not happy weighing 196.2 lbs

2. Pass all of my classes for school.
Study, study, study. My mom and dad gave me my dad's old desktop that he never used so I don't have to worry about being in the middle of something for school and lose everything because of my laptop shutting off for no reason.

3. Quit being such a pack rat.
I've started throwing stuff away that I don't use or even look at. I've found so many things that belongs to my ex husband that I have no idea why I still have them.

4. Completely wipe everything off my laptop.
It needs to be brought to a clean slate. I know it's the only way it'll be able to work the way it's suppose to. I've had it since 2007 and I've put a lot of stuff on it. First step is getting everything that I want to keep off it and put it on my external harddrive.

5. Blog more.
Self explanatory.



Okay so, I'll keep y'all posted as I complete each of my goals. I know I can do it.

Welcome 2011!!!

First off, Happy New Year!!!!!

This year is going to be absolutely outstanding I think. My little girl will be turning one. I still can't believe it's been almost a year since I became a momma. I have to say that it has been the very best 9 months of my life. Miss Bug happens to have a small cold right now, but I think it's mainly because her top teeth have cut through. Yes, I said TEETH. Both her top teeth popped up at the same time. I've already started planning her birthday party even though it's still 3 almost 4 months away.

Christmas was great. We went to Whitehall on the 22nd, opened gifts on the 23rd, and came home on the 24th so we could have our own small Christmas in our house. Memaw then brought George and Fred over to do another small christmas gathering with Miss Bug and their other 2 cousins (my nephews, D & A) on the 30th. Miss Bug had a blast at Memaw and Poppa's. She got some toys she absolutely love playing with. Needless to say I think my little girl got spoiled with the ammount of celebrations she got for her first Christmas. Hopefully she doesn't start thinking this is how it should be every year.

New Year's was celebrated by Papi and I watching The Office until 11:50pm. Then we flipped the TV over to ABC to watch the ball drop. I have to say that the kiss I got at midnight has to be the very best new year's kiss ever.

I need to start taking my Christmas decorations down but I really don't have the motivation to do it. Plus, I love having my christmas decorations out. I'll probably end up taking it all down when Papi goes back to work on Monday.

Anyways, I'm off. Just thought I would update you all and wish you all a very Happy New Year!!! I hope all your wishes come true.

And, I'm off.