It's that time of the year again...

...and it's not any easier.

Five years ago, I found out I was gonna be a Momma. I was so excited and terrified at the same time. Growing up, all I ever wanted to be was someone's mother and in August of 2007 my dream was finally coming true. I had been married for eight almost nine months and, even though I was still only eighteen, I had graduated high school and was enjoying being a wife to my soldier. When Halloween passed and my ex-husband went into the field, I was miserable. I miscarried my precious daughter on November 03, 2007. I miss my Hayden so much every day. I know that my angel is watching over me, her baby sister, her step-daddy, and her real daddy, even if he never accepted the fact that I was pregnant and the I lost her. It's absolutely ridiculous that her step-daddy has accepted Hayden more than her real daddy.

Most do not know that October the nationally recognized month of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness. October 15th was then envisioned as a day for families and friends to come together to remember and honor babies who left this world too soon. You can visit the official site of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance.

Every year it's gets harder and harder to see Autumn come because it's means it's been another year since Hayden joined her Great Memaw. I know my Memaw is taking great care of my baby until I get called to her.

The other night I watched 'What To Expect When You're Expecting' and I am so happy I never saw it when it was in theatres. The character Rosie had gotten far enough into her pregnancy to be able to see her baby during an ultrasound. They say it's less likely for you to miscarry once the heartbeat has been heard and even less likely after you see the fetus during an ultrasound. Well, I never go to see Hayden or hear her heartbeat. However, Rosie did and that evening, once she realized she was starting to show, she lost her baby. All my memories of losing Hayden came back to me and I couldn't help but cry, not just a couple tears but I mean sobbing like I did in 2007. Papi was able to calm me down, but throughout the rest of the movie I could really feel for Rosie. I remember all those feelings and the movie just made me miss Hayden even more.

November 03rd will mark the fifth year since I started missing my little angel and I will be getting the tattoo in memory of her. Since I already have the design I figured I'd share it here. The only change is that Hayden's name is actually going to be pink. I'm still contemplating where they will go. At only point I had a completely different design draw up but it would have been huge and I figured smaller is better. The first design will just become a painting.

Momma misses you so much Hayden. I love you, my sweet angel.

...~oOo~...

I am blessed

Last night, as I laid in bed with my hunny, I realized how different my life is compared to what I thought it would be. I am completely in love with a man who loves me completely. I have a beautiful, smart, and overall amazing daughter. I have a family that, besides a few loose screws, is my definition of what a true family should be. Okay, maybe more than just a few screws, but I wouldn't change anything about it. My life, in it's own way, is perfect because of the people in it. I realize that there will always be ups and downs during my life, but as long as I hold fast to my family and friends, any down can be turned into an up.

We have been living in Cadillac for five months now and in those five months I have truly seen who my true friends are. The people who contact me, who actually want to know how I'm doing, are the only people that matter. I have gone through quite a bit of 'friends' in my short life and the ones that have stayed true to me are ones that I can truly call the family I choose.

As of April, I have lost a lot of people in my life. It seems that when I left Flint they fell off the edge of the world. Now, moving has been a great step for my family. True, it has been difficult at times, but I feel like we are a stronger family now. I know that Miss Bug's godmothers miss us very much; I would know that without them telling me weekly. They have been the only friends to drive the two hours from Flint to see us. We have seen them more than anyone else. I have an almost 5 month old niece (HQ) that I see whenever we go to Flint. I hate missing all the little things my baby is learning. Now HQ's Momma has been in my life since high school. She is my sister in every aspect next to being blood related. Wenny's family became my family, along with all the friends that still talk to me. They have seen me in the best of times and in the worst of times and have stood by me throughout everything. I love my chosen family.

I cannot wait for this week to fly by. I finally go to the dentist on Thursday and then next Wednesday I have a doctor's appointment. The week after that I start school and it may possibly be the start of my last year so woohoo!!! As much as I love learning, I'm ready to be a college graduate and start my career already.

Anywho, I hope everyone is doing great. I know I am.

Love you all.
:~*~:ME:~*~:

Our little morning routine

Every morning I wake up, I feel extremely blessed. I have a great family whom I love very much.

A typically morning for me means waking up to an alarm set for 5:15am. Papi's alarm had gone off 15 minutes beforehand. I cuddle up to him for 10 minutes and then it's out of bed to make his lunch. He's usually out of the house by 6am and I go and crawl back into our still cozy-warm bed. I check FB, my email, instagram, and twitter then settle down with a book (the book aspect is new since I just got my bookworm vibe back). I read until my stomach starts demanding food. After a small pre-breakfast snack, I crawl into bed to catch a couple more zzz's; however that doesn't happen because of a certain little Bug. She wakes up and comes straight into Momma and daddy's room for a cuddle while we watch some cartoons. Every morning during the week this happens and I love it. It's become a little thing that's only mine. Weekend morning are made for playing with Momma and daddy on their bed and I love that too, but our special, quiet mornings are about the only time Bug cuddles and loves on me anymore, unless of course she's fallen and hurt herself.

Miss Bug is no longer a baby, she's definitely her own little person and she is fiercely independent. I wouldn't have her any other way. Of course, with her being independent means she doesn't listen to Momma. Daddy, yes; Momma, not so much and I know it's because she sees me all day every day and, especially since it's summer, Daddy doesn't get home until late (almost bedtime sometimes). Last night, he didn't get home until almost 9pm. It was a hectic day for this Momma, but I love every moment I spend with my daughter.

Skin to skin contact

I had so many plans and ways i was gonna raise my daughter. I wanted to be the best mother ever. I wanted to be eco-friendly; completely natural birth, not use disposable diapers, breastfeed for as long as possible, co-sleep, etc. I thought I could do it; however, one false labor and the stress of a failing relationship (that was failing before it even started to be honest) I was induced, cloth diapers are expensive to start off, and breastfeeding-  inverted nipples, no latching, and lactose intolerance. After how my labor actually went (not that it was bad, but my back still gives me issues because of the pitocin), I will stick to my guns for my next baby and wait for natural labor to set in and do as much as I can at home. I'll be honest, when I realized breastfeeding was off the table, I cried. I wanted that bonding time, I wanted to be able to have something that was just mine, that no one else could do for my child. I felt like a failure, but I realize it was never my fault. I tried and that's more than some mothers can say. I would stay up hours pumping to get enough to give my daughter her morning meal (that would end up all over me). I wasn't able to but I didn't fail at feeding Miss Bug. I can honestly say I did co-sleep. On and off when she was a newborn and I loved every second of it.

I feel like one thing I did the best was Skin to Skin contact. She use to cry so much that really the only thing that calmed her down we laying on my bare chest and listening to my heartbeat. Memaw told me that one time when she was over there Miss Bug was not listening to Memaw about not standing in a chair. Memaw would sit her down and tell her that she couldn't stand in it because she might fall. Well, my child pushes her limits, but when 2 year old doesn't. She stood up and fell off the chair. Memaw told her that if she fell there would be no crying because she had been warned. Well, she didn't cry, but she did want to snuggle. She laid her head on Memaw's chest, sat up, Memaw moved her glasses, laid down, sat up, grabbed Memaw's collar, laid down again, sat up, pulled more on Memaw's shirt, and continued trying to get that skin to skin contact she wanted. If that doesn't mean something to a Momma then I don't know what will.

I may not have been able to do everything I wanted, but I'm still a fantastic mother and hopefully my next baby will be just like their big sister.

~*~Me~*~

Settled and ready

I weight 205 pounds. Not something I really enjoy admitting. I've know for awhile that I weighed over 200lbs and I've wanted to do something about it, but I just didn't know where to start. On top of that I felt I was too busy because of Miss Bug, school, work, and moving. I admit I just used all that as excuses. NO MORE EXCUSES!!! I will lose this weight.

The other day Papi and I took Miss Bug on a walk on the trail behind our house. He was pushing the stroller and his legs are longer than mine so every ten minutes I'd have to run to catch up to them. Well, Miss Bug started saying "Bye, Momma". I'd run to catch up and Papi would take off in a run with Miss Bug. She thought it was hilarious. We'd race down the trail and it was fun. It did another thing for me, it showed me how out of shape I really am. My goal is to lose 60 pounds and I will lose it.

Starting Weight-205lbs

Side view

Front view

I will NEVER look like this ever again.