Reclaiming yourself and being happy within

Have you ever looked at yourself after becoming a mother and wonder "Where did I go?" 

I have this question arise a couple of weeks ago. I had been so focused on being a mom and making sure my family was happy that I lost sight of who I am as an individual. I use to be this badass chick that did what I wanted without caring what other people thought about me. I use to have wild hair, piercings, and wear makeup regularly. Within the span of 6 years, since having Miss Bug and getting into the relationship with Papi, I lost myself. 

After some serious thinking and dealing with some major issues, I realized that I wasn't making myself happy. I said screw it and popped in my labret stud again, and then I went and had my hair stylist dye my hair teal! I was adamant about reclaiming myself and my individuality. I was tired of people telling me how to look. 

If ever you feel trapped in your own body, just remember that if you aren't happy, then how can you make anyone else happy? Happiness starts with you and then spreads to those you love.

Say hello again to the reclaimed Momma!!!!

 Next time I'm going all over teal with purple highlights.

TTFN!

Vacation with my babies

While life is constantly hectic and chaotic, it is important to remember to take a break; even if all you can afford is a day or two, take a break. You deserve it! I'm lucky in the aspect that my husband is able to provide for our family and has a job where he can take weeks off while still being paid. It's a luxury I never thought I'd see. I'm not saying that we're beyond whether and can jet around the world without a care, but we can plan and save for a family vacation. That's exactly what we did last week. We took a vacation.

We went to Florida for the entire week, Saturday to Saturday, and it was blissful. With two young children, it's difficult to make sure that you are spending enjoy time with them and making important and long lasting memories. As a parent, I want my babies to know that if they want something, momma and daddy will do their hardest to get it for them. We don't spoil our children, but we make sure that they are loved. 

So Florida...we had very little planned and it was heavenly. We knew that we wanted to give Bug and Owlet surprises and we did just that without over doing it...it was a vacation after all. I feel like whenever we took a 'vacation' in the past it was more work and stress than it should be. I don't want to feel like we didn't have a good and relaxing time on our vacation. We were gone ten days and we had planned three MAJOR activities; Disney World, Clearwater Marine Aquarium, and Kennedy Space Center. That was it. Simple and easy with more than enough time to truly relax and enjoy ourselves. 

Disney World was a complete surprise, we didn't tell either girl that we were going and I'm so happy we did it that was. Bug knew where we were going the second she saw the castle and she became unable to speak coherently. Owlet was excited to see her sissy so excited. She's two...we didn't expect much of a reaction...Until she saw Mickey that is.

If you follow me on Instagram, I'll finally be posting pictures of our little adventure there. If you don't...why? Haha...Just come find me!

Cloth Diapering: I've missed it.

Diapers. As someone with kids, diapers are a necessity. With Bug, I originally wanted to cloth, but I was young and didn't necessarily didn't get what I wanted. For the first six months of her life, I lived with my parents and they helped buy diapers for her. Once I moved in with Papi, we were still getting use to living as a family so I stuck with disposable diapers. 

With my Owlet, I was adamant that she would be a fluffy butt. It took 9 months to convince Papi, but I finally got to try some out with her. A friend ended up sending me a box full of CDs for her and that was all I needed. I was hooked. Papa refused to change her if she was wearing cloth, so changing diapers were up to me. Nothing new there; I was the main one changing her diapers anyways. While I was in class, she would be in disposables and I would change her into a cloth once I got home. Unfortunately, this was hard on her little booty and I forced Papi to deal with changing her cloth. I loved that we weren't spending $25+ every 2 weeks on diapers. 

Once Owlet started getting interested in potty training, I gave up on my cloth since it was to hard to quickly get her diaper off so we switched her to pull-ups. 

I've come to the conclusion that she may be interested in the potty, but she's not quite ready to potty train. Today marks the first day back in our cloth diapers. Papa keeps asking me when I'm going to sell them, but I'm hoping that eventually he'll change his mind about having one more baby and then we'll be set with diapers.

Fingers crossed he finally comes around to adding one more kiddo to our mix.

TTFN 

Spring Quarter has arrived

I'm not sure if y'all remember but I am still in college. Yes, I said STILL! January marked my fifth year at my current school. Five years is a long time to be in school with nothing to show except debt. 

The reason I've been in school for fives years is mainly due to the fact that I've changed my major twice so that means I've been in three different programs. Luckily, I've found the one I want to stick with. I am currently a Junior in college majoring in Early Elementary Education with a ZS Endorsement. Once I have my BS I will be able to teach up to the third grade.

I am in love with my classes and I have been for two years. I have been so dedicated since changing programs that I was actually in class while I was unknowingly in labor with my little Owlet. 

Today marks the first day of Spring Quarter 2016 which means my schedule is about to get crazy. Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday I have class from 6 to 9:40 every night. Plus I have my bible study, weekend meeting, and midweek meeting. Not to mention all the homework I'm going to have. 

And now I through on at least one post a week here...Am I crazy or something?

Well, ta ta for now my lovelies.

2016 is a new year to get back on track

So life...and this blog... got away with me. I am determined to get back on track and definitely write more.

What caused life to get so busy? You may ask. Well...

We have a new addition to our little family.

Here is my little Owlet. She was born of March 7, 2014 at 12:16pm

6lbs 13oz & 19in long

Here she is when she turned a year old.

TWO YEARS OLD NOW!!!!!

This little Owlet is such a spunky and sassy little girl with absolutely no fear. She is so different from her big sister. I seriously have no idea where to start with her. I'm thinking I'll just plan out an entire post about her because just a small introduction will do her no justice.

Obviously, Miss Bug has grown as well. 

She has grown into a very beautiful and caring little girl. It's funny how she was just turning 3 years old when I last posted and now she is 6. SIX!!!! I still cannot believe it. 

Seriously, where did the time go?

Here are some main updates about Miss Bug:

* She's a kindergartener. She adores school and her teacher.

* She has official lost her first tooth. I ended up having to pull it out (she did NOT like me at all). She actually ended up with 'shark teeth' for awhile. That's where her permanent teeth broke the skin behind her her baby teeth. Apparently, it's very common and hereditary on my side of the family.

* Most importantly, she adores being a big sister.

Some family updates:

May 18, 2015, Papi and I eloped at the courthouse! I'll make sure to do a single post about getting married because it truly was a special and memorable day for us as a family. Plus everyone was shocked since we were only engaged 9 days hahaha!

Everything is so wonderful. The only downside to the past three years is that, unfortunately, Owlet will be my final baby. More in a separate post.

Well, look at that...three topics already planned out for posts. I'm hoping to at least get one post a week out, but that depends on my personal class schedule, homework load, and review load. Oh yeah...there's the fourth topic I can write about; my reviewing.

Ta Ta for now!

So Miss Bug is almost 3

My baby girl is growing up so fast. I still can't believe that I've been blessed to be her momma for three years now.

I sit here thinking about Miss Bug growing up and getting older and it brings my Angel to the front of my mind. I should be so happy right now because we get to celebrate another year of the bright light Bug brings to the world, but I can't help thinking that I never got to hold, kiss, cuddle, and celebrate my Angel. I will never be able to do anything but wonder what she would be like; who would she have taken after; how would she have changed where my life is right now.

I love both my babies and I am trying to not let missing my Angel disrupt my duty to my Bug, but some days are a lot harder than others. It also doesn't help that I am so ready to make Miss Bug a big sister and that I see so many people either finding out they're pregnant or having a new baby. There's so many babies that are popping up on my FB news feed and it makes my heart hurt. I see little girls turning five and it all hurts. I should be planning my Angel's fifth birthday party, like other moms, but I'm not; I only get to think about what could have been and feel my heart break everyday.

Merry Holidays!!!!

Wow...December has arrived and I am just amazed. This year has flown by. So many things have happened and honestly I couldn't imagine a better year. It started off a little shaky and has had it's share of downs but everything that has happened has happened for a reason. I feel like reminiscing about the year of 2012.

January:
*The accident where my G6 was deemed totaled. God was looking out for Miss Bug and I because it could have been so much worse.

February:
*Papi got transferred to Northern MI with a better job. We visited and found where our new home would be.

March:
*Papi had surgery on his shoulder and needless to say I was scared. I knew with was perfectly safe but when some you love has surgery you always think of that small chance something could go wrong.
*Miss Bug turned 2. She had a blast at her birthday party and I honestly can't believe I have to start planning her 3rd birthday.

April:
*We moved up north. We started fresh in a new city. It took some getting use to but we absolutely love our new home.
*My beautiful niece was born on the fourteenth.

May:
*Miss bug went from being in her crib to a toddler bed; she had no problem with the transition at all.
*Papi and I went to Cedar Point with some friends after going to the World Expo of Beer in Frankenmuth. We had a lot of fun.
*Miss Bug got her very first pet, a fish.

June:
*Papi went back to work after recovering from his surgery.
*Made the Dean's List at school.

July:
*Peter Jackson confirmed the production of The Hobbit. Nerdgasm!!!

August:
*I finally did something about the pain in my mouth and found out that I have to have all my wisdom surgically extracted.

September:
*School started back up for me.
*I started working at Big Lots.
*Miss Bug started to become even more interested in the potty.

October:
*A very dear friend got married so Miss Bug and I traveled down-state to be there for her.
*Miss Bug started speaking longer sentences and started dressing herself.
*National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness
*Started working at Paulstra CRC and quit Big Lots.

November:
*Finally made friends up here. It took awhile but I've found some.

And lastly, December (even though it's not over yet):
*Became even closer to my friends and gotten use to my work schedule.
*I made the Dean's List again and brought my GPA up to a solid 3.1


I'm ready to see what 2013 brings to myself and my family.

Busy time...

...And it's not going to slow down anytime soon.

About a month ago I actually started working for Big Lots in town. It's a great place to work, but not for only six hours a week. I know that finding a job is extremely difficult in today's economy, but I am thoroughly  sick and tired of working in retail. Last year, I worked at Carter's and Black Friday was horrible. As much as I didn't want to work at some store this year, I put applications in everywhere I saw and it just so happened that BL liked me and hired me. Now my job at BL is completely different than any job in retail that I've ever done because all I do at BL is stock. I work two days a week at three hours a day. That's a whopping six SIX hours a week at $0.50 over minimum wage.When I hired in I was told that I would get at least 10-15 hours a week, but no.

So I started at BL the week before classes started and it's worked out pretty good, but man I wish I could get more hours. Or at least I did wish I could get more hours. As of last week, I started putting applications in at temp agencies. Monday morning I got a call with a job. I am now the temporary employee of a factory here in Cadillac. I will be working fifth shift (yes fifth) which is Friday, Saturday, and Sunday 7pm to 7am. I have absolutely no idea where in the plant I'm going to be, but as long as I don't miss any day and work my full 12 hour shift I'll get 4 hours bonus pay so I'll get paid for 40 hours and only work 36. I'm excited and nervous. I've never done anything like this, but I am always searching for knowledge.

Well, while I wait for Miss Bug to wake up I'm going to continue enjoying my movie. The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring. NERD!!!!

DFTBA

Don't Forget To Be Awesome!!!

It's that time of the year again...

...and it's not any easier.

Five years ago, I found out I was gonna be a Momma. I was so excited and terrified at the same time. Growing up, all I ever wanted to be was someone's mother and in August of 2007 my dream was finally coming true. I had been married for eight almost nine months and, even though I was still only eighteen, I had graduated high school and was enjoying being a wife to my soldier. When Halloween passed and my ex-husband went into the field, I was miserable. I miscarried my precious daughter on November 03, 2007. I miss my Hayden so much every day. I know that my angel is watching over me, her baby sister, her step-daddy, and her real daddy, even if he never accepted the fact that I was pregnant and the I lost her. It's absolutely ridiculous that her step-daddy has accepted Hayden more than her real daddy.

Most do not know that October the nationally recognized month of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness. October 15th was then envisioned as a day for families and friends to come together to remember and honor babies who left this world too soon. You can visit the official site of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance.

Every year it's gets harder and harder to see Autumn come because it's means it's been another year since Hayden joined her Great Memaw. I know my Memaw is taking great care of my baby until I get called to her.

The other night I watched 'What To Expect When You're Expecting' and I am so happy I never saw it when it was in theatres. The character Rosie had gotten far enough into her pregnancy to be able to see her baby during an ultrasound. They say it's less likely for you to miscarry once the heartbeat has been heard and even less likely after you see the fetus during an ultrasound. Well, I never go to see Hayden or hear her heartbeat. However, Rosie did and that evening, once she realized she was starting to show, she lost her baby. All my memories of losing Hayden came back to me and I couldn't help but cry, not just a couple tears but I mean sobbing like I did in 2007. Papi was able to calm me down, but throughout the rest of the movie I could really feel for Rosie. I remember all those feelings and the movie just made me miss Hayden even more.

November 03rd will mark the fifth year since I started missing my little angel and I will be getting the tattoo in memory of her. Since I already have the design I figured I'd share it here. The only change is that Hayden's name is actually going to be pink. I'm still contemplating where they will go. At only point I had a completely different design draw up but it would have been huge and I figured smaller is better. The first design will just become a painting.

Momma misses you so much Hayden. I love you, my sweet angel.

...~oOo~...

I am blessed

Last night, as I laid in bed with my hunny, I realized how different my life is compared to what I thought it would be. I am completely in love with a man who loves me completely. I have a beautiful, smart, and overall amazing daughter. I have a family that, besides a few loose screws, is my definition of what a true family should be. Okay, maybe more than just a few screws, but I wouldn't change anything about it. My life, in it's own way, is perfect because of the people in it. I realize that there will always be ups and downs during my life, but as long as I hold fast to my family and friends, any down can be turned into an up.

We have been living in Cadillac for five months now and in those five months I have truly seen who my true friends are. The people who contact me, who actually want to know how I'm doing, are the only people that matter. I have gone through quite a bit of 'friends' in my short life and the ones that have stayed true to me are ones that I can truly call the family I choose.

As of April, I have lost a lot of people in my life. It seems that when I left Flint they fell off the edge of the world. Now, moving has been a great step for my family. True, it has been difficult at times, but I feel like we are a stronger family now. I know that Miss Bug's godmothers miss us very much; I would know that without them telling me weekly. They have been the only friends to drive the two hours from Flint to see us. We have seen them more than anyone else. I have an almost 5 month old niece (HQ) that I see whenever we go to Flint. I hate missing all the little things my baby is learning. Now HQ's Momma has been in my life since high school. She is my sister in every aspect next to being blood related. Wenny's family became my family, along with all the friends that still talk to me. They have seen me in the best of times and in the worst of times and have stood by me throughout everything. I love my chosen family.

I cannot wait for this week to fly by. I finally go to the dentist on Thursday and then next Wednesday I have a doctor's appointment. The week after that I start school and it may possibly be the start of my last year so woohoo!!! As much as I love learning, I'm ready to be a college graduate and start my career already.

Anywho, I hope everyone is doing great. I know I am.

Love you all.
:~*~:ME:~*~:

Our little morning routine

Every morning I wake up, I feel extremely blessed. I have a great family whom I love very much.

A typically morning for me means waking up to an alarm set for 5:15am. Papi's alarm had gone off 15 minutes beforehand. I cuddle up to him for 10 minutes and then it's out of bed to make his lunch. He's usually out of the house by 6am and I go and crawl back into our still cozy-warm bed. I check FB, my email, instagram, and twitter then settle down with a book (the book aspect is new since I just got my bookworm vibe back). I read until my stomach starts demanding food. After a small pre-breakfast snack, I crawl into bed to catch a couple more zzz's; however that doesn't happen because of a certain little Bug. She wakes up and comes straight into Momma and daddy's room for a cuddle while we watch some cartoons. Every morning during the week this happens and I love it. It's become a little thing that's only mine. Weekend morning are made for playing with Momma and daddy on their bed and I love that too, but our special, quiet mornings are about the only time Bug cuddles and loves on me anymore, unless of course she's fallen and hurt herself.

Miss Bug is no longer a baby, she's definitely her own little person and she is fiercely independent. I wouldn't have her any other way. Of course, with her being independent means she doesn't listen to Momma. Daddy, yes; Momma, not so much and I know it's because she sees me all day every day and, especially since it's summer, Daddy doesn't get home until late (almost bedtime sometimes). Last night, he didn't get home until almost 9pm. It was a hectic day for this Momma, but I love every moment I spend with my daughter.

Skin to skin contact

I had so many plans and ways i was gonna raise my daughter. I wanted to be the best mother ever. I wanted to be eco-friendly; completely natural birth, not use disposable diapers, breastfeed for as long as possible, co-sleep, etc. I thought I could do it; however, one false labor and the stress of a failing relationship (that was failing before it even started to be honest) I was induced, cloth diapers are expensive to start off, and breastfeeding-  inverted nipples, no latching, and lactose intolerance. After how my labor actually went (not that it was bad, but my back still gives me issues because of the pitocin), I will stick to my guns for my next baby and wait for natural labor to set in and do as much as I can at home. I'll be honest, when I realized breastfeeding was off the table, I cried. I wanted that bonding time, I wanted to be able to have something that was just mine, that no one else could do for my child. I felt like a failure, but I realize it was never my fault. I tried and that's more than some mothers can say. I would stay up hours pumping to get enough to give my daughter her morning meal (that would end up all over me). I wasn't able to but I didn't fail at feeding Miss Bug. I can honestly say I did co-sleep. On and off when she was a newborn and I loved every second of it.

I feel like one thing I did the best was Skin to Skin contact. She use to cry so much that really the only thing that calmed her down we laying on my bare chest and listening to my heartbeat. Memaw told me that one time when she was over there Miss Bug was not listening to Memaw about not standing in a chair. Memaw would sit her down and tell her that she couldn't stand in it because she might fall. Well, my child pushes her limits, but when 2 year old doesn't. She stood up and fell off the chair. Memaw told her that if she fell there would be no crying because she had been warned. Well, she didn't cry, but she did want to snuggle. She laid her head on Memaw's chest, sat up, Memaw moved her glasses, laid down, sat up, grabbed Memaw's collar, laid down again, sat up, pulled more on Memaw's shirt, and continued trying to get that skin to skin contact she wanted. If that doesn't mean something to a Momma then I don't know what will.

I may not have been able to do everything I wanted, but I'm still a fantastic mother and hopefully my next baby will be just like their big sister.

~*~Me~*~

Settled and ready

I weight 205 pounds. Not something I really enjoy admitting. I've know for awhile that I weighed over 200lbs and I've wanted to do something about it, but I just didn't know where to start. On top of that I felt I was too busy because of Miss Bug, school, work, and moving. I admit I just used all that as excuses. NO MORE EXCUSES!!! I will lose this weight.

The other day Papi and I took Miss Bug on a walk on the trail behind our house. He was pushing the stroller and his legs are longer than mine so every ten minutes I'd have to run to catch up to them. Well, Miss Bug started saying "Bye, Momma". I'd run to catch up and Papi would take off in a run with Miss Bug. She thought it was hilarious. We'd race down the trail and it was fun. It did another thing for me, it showed me how out of shape I really am. My goal is to lose 60 pounds and I will lose it.

Starting Weight-205lbs

Side view

Front view

I will NEVER look like this ever again.

Birthday party for my *almost* 2 year old

So yesterday was Miss Bug's Birthday party. The theme was balloons and man were there a ton of balloons. She absolutely loved it. I made the invites and sent them out at the beginning of the month and told people to RSVP by the 14th. I didn't want someone to show up and not have enough goodie bags because the mom could send me a text/message on fb/call to tell me they were coming. Well I have about 30 people suppose to come (counting kids). Part of me knew not everyone who rsvped would actually show up, but it would have been nice to been told that they weren't able to make it.

I seriously was hurt yesterday when people who claim to me as family and claim that Miss Bug is their adopted niece/granddaughter didn't bother letting me know that they weren't able to make it. It would have been a completely different story if they had let me know why they weren't coming but they didn't do anything except respond to a text I sent them apologizing. I told Papi yesterday that I was going to get my daughter's baby clothes I lent to them and I was washing my hands of them. They haven't asked about Miss Bug since they got a vehicle and didn't need me to drive them all over. Fine, act like this now, get on my bad side and you will NEVER see me or my daughter again.

Onto the person who I have always said was my sister. She has 2 boys, my nephews, who absolutely love playing with their cousins. Fred and George were up from Chicago with Memaw so they could come to Miss Bug's party. S told me she was coming and then invited me to Monkey's birthday party. I was happy to go, especially since it's possible that I won't be able to make it down for another one in a while. Now you would think if I brought Miss Bug to Monkey's party she would make an effort to come to Miss Bug's, but no. Even when Memaw called to make sure she was still coming it rang once then went to voicemail which means she ignored the call. How f****n rude.

Needless to say, I was over the moon pissed at people.

However, I'm happy at the people who actually did show up. Memaw, GG, Fred, George, Mimi, both Miss Bug's Godmommas, Unk, Aunt E, Tisha, and SB (who took the pictures for us) all showed up for Miss Bug. Yesterday showed me who I could count on especially Tisha because the last time she saw Miss Bug, she was only about 3 months old. I'm hoping the next post will have pictures to post.


My little girl is getting so big and so smart so fast. I swear she is advanced for her age, but I am her momma so my opinion is extremely bias. I know she is going to grow up happy and that's all I really care about, her just being happy and enjoying her childhood to the fullest.

Post ya later.

Life's about to get real crazy

I'm sitting up at the hospital waiting for Papi to get out of surgery.  Time seems to be dragging on right now. I'm ready to know he's out and everything went great. I hate hospitals and just think I may end up working in one. I think it's just the fact that you never know what's gonna happen and it's a little scary. I know he's gonna be okay but there's still that fear that they could do more damage in the long run. However, he trusts the doctor so I will.

I'm also ready to be out of mid-Michigan. As much as I loved growing up here it's just too hard to live here now. I couldn't even find a job in Flint. Hopefully I can find something where I get more than 4-8 hours a week. I'm really looking forward to making a fresh start in a new city. School is gonna be completely different because i'm not going for lpn anymore.

Miss Bug is thriving. She's so smart and getting so big. I can't believe how beautiful she's become. She truly is the beat thing to ever happen to me. I can't wait to make her a big sister. I'm ready for that stage. She already mommies her baby dolls and I see how she acts around other babies. She's gonna be an amazing big sister one day.

Well, i'm gonna end here and i'll write again soon.

Wow...it's been awhile.

I guess I'll start off with saying Happy New Year!!! LOL Yeah, I know it's mid February.

Anywho, my last post was a sad day for me. I think about my life right now and I wonder what it would be like to have an almost 4 year old running around, playing with her little sister.

So things are great. January was a bit rough but this month has been tons better. I can hardly believe what's happening right now. I'll start with how the holidays went and just do a quick update on everything.

End of 2011:
We ended up celebrating Thanksgiving and Christmas early with my family because of my working retail. Miss Bug had a blast spending time with her cousins and being spoiled by her Memaw. When Christmas really rolled around, we ended up back at my parents. So that was #2 for Miss Bug. She actually got 3 separate Christmases because of how things worked out. Anywho, I brought in the New Year the best way I could, cuddled up to the man who loves me with all his heart. We tried to watch the ball drop in NYC but we missed it by 2seconds; however our first kiss in 2012 was AMAZING!!!

January;
I started my 2nd year at Baker and so far it's been going good. College is hectic and I'll be happy when I'm finished but I know that I have to do it in order to get a decent job in today's economy. The month floated by with nothing too major happening...that was until the 27th. As many of you should know, I was driving a cute 2007 Pontiac G6 and, even though it was small, I loved my car. At about 4:40ish January 27th some idiot person ran a red light after my light had turned green. He hit me hard enough to deploy my airbag and wake Miss Bug up from a dead sleep. We were fine, but my poor car was deemed TOTALED by our insurance. Thanks to the fact that we were paying on my car, it was under full-coverage. The insurance paid off the car and we were able to find something rather quick for me to drive. Nowadays you'll see me driving a 2004 Ford Freestar mini-van. I absolutely LOVE my van. so that's how January ended for us.

February:
This month has been all about the possibility of us moving. Well, it's not a possibility anymore. We are currently in the city where we plan on moving and we've got a town house on hold for us. We will be moving the last weekend in March so we have a little over a month to go through everything in our house, pack it up and get settled. School starts April 02nd for me and that includes me switching programs. Luckily, I can switch my program and register for classes back home this week. As soon as we get back to town, that's one thing that will be happening.

So there you have it. We've got a crazy, hectic, amazing journey ahead of us and I honestly can't wait. This is one step into our new life and so far it's looking pretty wonderful. I know it's gonna get to a point where my blog will be one way for people to keep updated with me and I'm gonna try to post more, but I'm not promising anything.

Until next time, TTFN!

Hayden Grace *November 03, 2007* My little Jellybean

Momma misses you so much. I wish I had been able to hold you in my arms like I hold you in my heart. I will never forget you, baby. I know you were there when Uncle Keith arrived in heaven. Do you get to watch your little sister? Sometimes I wonder if you come down to play with her. I love you so much. I hope you watch over your daddy even though I'm pretty sure he doesn't remember you. It's hard to believe that you joined your great Memaw four years ago, angel.

One day I will see you again and I know you will come running to me. You will finally be in my arms. Until then my darling Jellybean, watch over momma and your siblings. I hope you love your stepdaddy. He's a great father to your baby sister.

Momma loves and miss you always, my little Hayden Grace Addy

That time of year again...Plus some updates

November is right around the corner and, as much as I love autumn and the holiday season, the beginning of November has be rough the past couple of years. October 15th was National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. It was rather rough, but I was lucky enough to have had to work. On November 03rd it will have been 4 years since I miscarriaged my precious baby girl Hayden Grace. I think of how much has changed since I lost her. God knew it was for the best that He protect my daughter from the ordeal of my divorce. It's quite mind boggling that, had I not miscarried her, I would have a 3 1/2 year old running around, messing with her little sister. I will let Miss Bug know she has an Angel as a BIG sister, just like I'll make sure all my babies know of her.

If you didn't catch it before, I have a job. It's seasonal right now, but my manager said there would be openings after the holidays. Hopefully I get to stay. If not, then it's just more work experience and another job I can add to my resume. Anywho, I work at C's in B.R.P.O. I really like it. I get to help people and see all ages of babies. Honestly, it was just meant to be. Papi, Miss Bug, and I went to the outlet center to use a $25 off coupon and Miss Bug soaked through her clothes. Of course, the one time I don't have a spare outfit in her diaper bag, this happens. So we run over to C's to grab an outfit for her and Papi asks if they're hiring. They were and he grabbed an aplication for me. I took it back the next day and got an interview scheduled for the next day. I went in, got the job, and started that following week. I love all the women I work with, they're all such characters. Keep your fingers crossed that I get to keep this job after the new year.

Now on the Little Miss Bug. My oh my, how she's grown. She's actually caught up to the size clothes sized for her age. I can hardly believe that in a couple short weeks she's going to be 19mo old. Time is flying far to fast for my liking. Where did my itty bitty baby go? She's now sitting at the dining room table instead of in her high chair and she's throwing trash away in the trash can when we ask her. We don't even have to throw away her dirty diapers because as soon as she's dressed with a fresh diaper, she grabs the dirty one and off to the trash can she goes. She's so smart and so independent. She's started saying new words like; elephant, balloon, ball, no, and yeah. She says 'please' and 'thank you' in ASL and I'm working on 'you're welcome'. (I really need to get into the ASL classes at school) Papi and I took Miss Bug to her first professional basball game and man did she have a blast.

Papi and I are wonderful. We're hoping that, if I get to keep this job after the new year, that we can get married and be off state assistance. I know once we do get married, we won't be eligable for anything. We're not worried about mine and Miss Bug's insurance, but more so the food stamps I recieve. I really can't wait for the day I will no longer be on assistance. I hate having to be on it to feed my daughter, but I will because I know my daughter needs it.

Anywho, I'll try to update y'all sooner. I'm just swamped with work, school, Miss Bug, and the house. TTFN

Why must things be so difficult?

By things, I mean finding a job. I have applied to so many jobs I've lost track. As of right now, the only 'real' experience I have is the 3 months I worked as a Sales Associate at Personal Touch Body Jewelry. Of course, I have more than 10 years experience in child care. I have been babysitting since I was 12. I figure a job as a Nanny would be the most fitting job for me until I finish school. With the fact that I am certified in First Aid and CPR/AED, it makes it a little easier.

Anywho, you should see my baby girl. She's not so much a baby anymore though. She is walking and climbing and getting into everything. I can hardly believe that she is already 15 months old. It seems like just yesterday that I was first made a mother. My life has been so full since I was given the very best gift ever. She is so smart. She is very interested in music and books and art. I pulled out my keyboard and Miss Bug just loves playing with it. I figure if I can keep her interested then she will be a very well rounded young lady. She picks up things so fast. I started signing to her out of habit with Mimi and Miss Bug picked it up. She uses it whenever she needs. I think she really loves having a way to tell her daddy and I want she wants. She shakes her head 'no' and nods 'yes'. She knows eat, more, milk and drink. Right now I'm trying to teach her yes and no in ASL. I have come to the conclusion that I need to know more sign so I can teach her. Not only with the knowledge further me in my career but it will make it easier for Miss Bug to learn more languages. Papi and I have decided to learn Spanish ourselves so we can teach Miss Bug. With were we live, Spanish and ASL should be a must. Also, I would love for Miss Bug to enter school already knowing a language other than her native tongue. If we're still living on the east side of the state, then she will most likely go to IAF which only teaches Spanish.

So, I have a monkey on my hands

At 13 1/2 months old, Miss Bug has started not only walking everywhere, but she's started climbing on everything. She's getting so big and she's so smart. It's amazing how fast she's grown since her birthday.

Speaking of her birthday, it was a blast. All the kids had so much fun. I know of two that passed out of the couch when they got home. Everyone, not only the kids, had fun actually. And a HUGE plus for me was not having to set up or clean up. Really we just had to invite people and bring the cake. Miss Bug had tons of fun playing with all her cousins and new friends. For only being her first birthday, she got spoiled.

Anywho, I feel like I'm doing wonderfully in school. True, I am having to retake one class, but I understadn the information a lot better now. I doing far better this quarter than I did last quarter and I know I will pass with flying colors.

Well, that's really all that's been going on. I'll try to write again soon. Ta-ta for now.

Elizabeth